A Different Kind of St. Patrick’s Day

For the second year in a row, Solas Nua, the only organization in the United States dedicated to contemporary Irish arts, will be giving away thousands of books by contemporary Irish writers for Irish Book Day. Solas Nua volunteers will be all over the city at places like the E Street Cinema, Eamonn’s in Old Town Alexandria, and the Warehouse Theater at Mt. Vernon Square, along with many other venues. They’ll be giving away books all day long on Saturday, March 17.

Instead of simply getting drunk on green beer (or perhaps along with doing that), celebrate St. Patrick’s Day and all things Irish by participating in the thousands of years of Irish scholarship and literature: pick up a book or two or three! St. Patrick helped instill a tradition of literacy and scholarship in Ireland that continues to this day. Enjoy a great read this St. Patrick’s Day!

Federal Court Orders Reopening of Bladensburg Dueling Grounds

Coming on the heels of last week’s decision overturning DC’s gun control law, the same federal court voted 2 – 1 to reopen the Bladensburg Dueling Grounds, an area Northeast of the city where politicians and affronted citizenry defended their honor during the early days of the republic.

In its order, the court cited a number of reasons for the reopening of the dueling grounds. “Given the new political tension both in Congress and between the White House and Capitol Hill, coupled with the fact that many congressmen and senators, especially from places like Texas and Alabama, are now expected to carry fire arms in the city, this court finds it advantageous to give these men an equitable way of resolving differences.”

The court is also expected to legalize the open carrying of guns on the streets of DC, and recommending the implementation of a system of “show-downs.” “Sections of Good Hope Road SE or even 16th Street NW could be cordoned off at high noon each day to facilitate the settling of scores in a more civilized and controlled manner,” the court said in a draft report obtained by aportablesnack. “The city could charge admission to spectators and the DCFD could hose down the blood and gore from the street afterward.”

Many DC citizens feel legalizing “show-downs” is long overdue. For instance, one of the plaintiffs in the case that led the Federal court to overturn DC’s gun control law is quoted as saying “yeeeeee-HAW! Now I can kill that guy next door who never takes his trash can in!” DC police also support show-downs. “Hopefully, the criminal element will kill themselves off more efficiently than they do now,” a police official said.

For now, though, DC citizens and police will have to be satisfied with legally taking their revenge killings to Bladensburg. “We’ll be exporting homicides to Prince George’s County,” the police official said, “which, no matter how you look at it, is a good thing.”

Lifting of Gun Ban Expected to Boost DC Economy

The city has moved one step closer to economic stability.

Thanks to a broad Federal economic revitalization plan announced last week, DC criminals will soon be able to purchase handguns that were stolen from houses right here in the city. “Too long have burglary rings and fences in Virginia and Maryland been siphoning money from DC’s economy,” a Federal official, who wished not to be identified, said. “With this plan, DC can keep that money right here.” Instead of having to import stolen handguns from Maryland or Virginia, DC criminals will enjoy a bounty of stolen guns harvested right here in the city.

The economic boon will benefit various loosely organized racketeering, money laundering, and theft rings headquartered in DC. There will be plenty of handguns in peoples houses available for them to steal. In a statement released recently, The Department of Commerce states that “these guns will then be sold on the street to drug king-pins and enforcers, teenage gang-banger wannabes, drug addicts looking to knock over liquor stores and members of the creative class, and to the mumbling insane.”

While guns of all kinds are easily available to all these underworld elements, the new handgun plan will make it slightly more convenient to obtain them while pumping perhaps millions of dollars into the “informal” economy.

“After a time, perhaps as short as a few months,” the Commerce statement goes on to say, “we foresee DC becoming a major exporter of stolen handguns as well, further boosting the economy.”

Residual economic benefits include a rise in the demand for security systems, security bars, replacement window glass, gigantic snarling guard dogs, and more legally-purchased handguns, as residents try to combat the expected spike in burglaries, armed robberies, drug killings, and reprisal slayings.

“This will do for the DC economy what Starbucks did for Seattle,” a Federal source is quoted as saying.