Washington is an exciting city in which to be a tourist, and an even more exciting city in which to be on the take! While recreational drug use, overconsumption of alcohol, and madams named after expensive hotels are available to tourists and corrupt politicos alike, it is so much more exciting to partake of these pleasures using fraudulently obligated tax money after having tossed wads of what is known in the trade as “payolla” out of stretch Hummers at random leaders of the local constabulary. Why, not being corrupt in Washington is like not having an affair in Orange County or not placing a single Carhartt glove on a beer bottle moving past you on a conveyer of thousands of other beer bottles in Milwaukee. You can do it, but why bother?
Admittedly, for the casual visitor, peddling enough influence and quickly sinking to new depths of depravity are a challenge, especially on a Two Day City Break. For those without the means or will to do so, here is a quick two day itinerary that guarantees you’ll get the most out of your trip.
Day one. Plan on having the famous half-smoke breakfast at Ben’s Chili Bowl. To get there, simply ask one of the ID-sporting middle aged office workers near your downtown hotel for directions - any of the doughy, bleary-eyed, back pack wearing people will do. But don’t be surprised if they turn on that famous DC charm and either completely ignore you or actually push you out of the way. Those that actually level with you will admit that they’ve never been to Ben's Chili Bowl since it’s in a bad neighborhood and all. But remain undaunted and keep asking until the rush-hour supply of commuters has slackened and then grab breakfast at that Starbucks right in front of you. (No, not that one on the left.) (No, not that one across the street, either.) (That one, right there, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.) This will make you feel sophisticated, like that guy with the Blackberry on his belt and the golf shirt monogramed with his company’s name. And the enormous back pack. (Note: under no circumstances ask for directions to Ben’s Chili Bowl from someone wearing some kind of livery, such as a Starbucks Apron, a janitorial shirt, or a parking enforcement uniform - while all of these people have actually been to Ben’s, as you’ve just learned, it’s in a bad neighborhood. Better to tell everyone at home that you tried to go.)
After breakfast, proceed as quickly as you can to the Air and Space Museum. It’s a straight walk down 7th Street, but you will get lost. Get your bearings by stopping on a street corner while looking at the free map you picked up in the hotel lobby with the impossibly large cartoon drawings of the museums and monuments and wonder why you can’t see the Air and Space Museum from there - it’s so big! You’ll have to ask for directions again, but no one will know where it is. Plan on stumbling upon it by dumb luck. But do hurry! There is so much to see at the Air and Space, you could easily spend an hour. Once you’ve arrived, take a much deserved break in the IMAX theater, perhaps even a nap. And for lunch, I recommend the fine pizza, chicken fingers, or even hamburgers you can purchase at one of the many franchises located in the food court that is inside the Air and Space Museum! You’ll make the most of your time by eating at the museum and not have to fight the crowds of muggers, drug king pins, and politicians that you’ve heard roam the streets of Washington randomly killing people.
Afternoon: Attempt to walk across the bleak, sun-baked expanse of dirt that is the National Mall to the American History Museum which seems to magically move farther away with each step you take, until you collapse in the burnt-off grass. Sleep here until the start of rush hour. Be sure to wear plenty of sun screen as your bare legs, between you socks and shorts, will burn to a crisp in the hot DC sun.
Day Two: Have breakfast at the Starbucks that is in your hotel, which is next to the pool that you should really take advantage of. Then take the open top bus tour. All day. Never get off. You’re too tired anyway from the cumulative hour or so of walking you did yesterday. It’ll be a nice break. From your high vantage point, you can see all the sights, and while you won’t understand the driver’s garbled narrative, at least you can say you’ve been there! Go back to your hotel early and check out, be aghast, truly aghast, at how much they charged you for parking, sit in traffic for a few hours and then eat dinner at someplace like Woodbridge or Breezewood or the Maryland Welcome Center, where ever your travels may take you. Bask in the relief at being away from the bustle of that corrupt city.
This itinerary may not be for everyone. Such excitement can only be stood in small doses. While such a short visit will make it almost impossible to delve into true corruption, it will reinforce all your preconceived notions about cities in general and DC in particular. And that, after all, is why we travel in the first place, isn’t it?
Best time to Visit: Between the hours of 11:00 am and 3:00 pm on Thursday, October 3.
Top Sites to See: 1. The Hotel Pool 2. The Starbucks in the Hotel Lobby 3. The Air and Space Museum 4. The Open Top Tour Bus (it’s a convertible bus!) 5. The Starbucks across the street.