If You're Going to San Francisco

Which I am...

I'm going to Vegas and San Francisco, the first for a meeting (no, really! I mean it!) and the second just for fun.

I've heard from reliable sources (old x-military guys at work) that San Francisco is lost and there's really no point in going there. Like the 1890's, it's gone gay. Oh dear.

Las Vegas, on the other hand, I'm informed by the same sources, is worth the trip. You can see Venice, Paris, Rome, Monte Carlo, Japan, the South Pacific, and Egypt, and never be more than a few short breath-sucking steps from soggy fries and a coke!

I'll let you know my impressions. I've never tried it before, but I'm going to attempt to blog from the road. My wireless modem is all warmed up, and my fingers are ready to type.

A couple of caveats: I refuse to leave what happens in Vegas there, and I'm not wearing flowers in my hair (can you IMAGINE?!), nor am I leaving my heart anywhere at all (especially on a cable car)!

Why San Francisco and Las Vegas? Well, because Los Angeles and Las Vegas would be just too damn confusing, that's why!

Adams Morgan: Violence and the Tyranny of Parenthood

The recent article in the City Paper about Late Night Shots got me to thinking about Adams Morgan. The article quoted an on-line thread that went like this:


"If I have said it once I have said it 1000 times. DO NOT EVER, EVER even go near Adams Morgan. That place is Ghetto.

Adams Morgan is only do-able if you limit yourself to a few bars that are close together.

Every minute you spend outside of an actual bar your life is in danger. And do not, DO NOT attempt to get a late-night slice of pizza unless you are a pro.

Any by pro I mean ready to fight people.

Everytime I’m in Adams Morgan, I take on at least 3-4 Ethiopans. Skinny little bastards are feisty."


Obviously, this guy is an unsophisticated, narrow-minded, frightened pubescent (even if he is in his 20s and gainfully employed) with little life experience and little hope of gaining any. But at least he’s honest. He doesn’t want to go to Adams Morgan, and I, for one, don’t want him there.

But there are other, darker forces at work in Adams Morgan: parents.

As part of DC governments on-going crusade to ruin the city, it has decided to enforce a law regarding tavern licenses versus restaurant licenses. Without going into detail, many places on 18th Street have restaurant licenses but don’t meet the food sales standard to maintain that license and should properly have tavern licenses. Except the city has now put a moratorium on issuing new tavern licenses until it drives a bunch of bars out of business by revoking their restaurant licenses.

Why?

Because some people moved to Adams Morgan, had children, and now can’t believe they are living in Adams Morgan with children.

A couple local news stations interviewed some stroller pushing moms on 18th Street, and that the basic message I got from them.

What these mothers on the street were really worried about was violence. Apparently, they take their toddlers to clubs at 3 am, or line up for pizza at 4:00 am, babe-in-arms, and then pick fights with drunken revelers over, what, a girl? Posh’s new hair color? A timetable for leaving Iraq? And end up getting stabbed and bleeding to death in the middle of the street at the feet of a police horse while their babies watch. Happens all the time.

Come on! Does the extremely limited and extremely rare violence on 18th Street at 3 am on a Sunday morning really effect your life so much that you need to start a crusade to ruin the neighborhood for everyone else? You knew what Adams Morgan was like when you moved here, and unless you do indeed take your kiddy out for a stroll at 3:00 am (and NOT EVENT THEN!), you won’t get stabbed or shot or anything else.

Please move to Reston. I hear they have a pretty good Don Pablos there.

Music's Destructive Impact

I avoid listening to music whenever I can. Music listening, as we all know, leads to all kinds of anti-social behavior: drug abuse, pregnancy, dancing at Tom-Tom, voting. But listening to music also leads to something much worse: getting disagreeable songs stuck in your head.

It’s bad enough to have a song lodged in your brain that repeats for hours on end. It’s worse if you only know a few words of the song. For instance, I once spent an excruciating two and half days hearing in my head “I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt.” That's it. Only those words. I woke up one morning singing it and it stayed with me all day. The next morning when I awoke, I was song free. What a relief! But sometime between the shower and the sock-garters, it snuck back in! I realized I was singing it again in mid “f-o-r m-y s-h-i-r-t” as I slipped on my shirt. (Perhaps clothing was a trigger; I briefly considered foregoing dressing all together.) It was only dislodged the next day by “When I think of you babe I touch myself”. I believe I can pin point the roots of my drinking habit to that exact moment in time.

Far worse, however, is when you have a disagreeable song in your head that doesn’t even have any words. Since yesterday, I’ve been hearing this 70’s dance song in my head, with no words, that has always bugged me. I can’t share my misery with anyone, because I don’t know the title, and apparently I’m tone deaf. I tried humming it to my wife, but she had no idea what song it was and only looked at me with a deep sadness.

The song goes like this: “dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah dadada dah-dah…” I know you can’t tell what the song is from THAT, but let me try to share with you my misery. This is what has been going on inside of me for almost two days:

dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah, dadadada dah – dahda dah – dah,

And so on.

And no, it’s not “The Hustle.” That goes “Do the hustle! do-do-do dodo dodo do-do, do-do do-do dodo do do-do…”

(do-do-do dodo dodo do-do, do-do do-do dodo do do-do, do-do-do dodo dodo do-do, do-do do-do dodo do do-do…)


Aw crap!

Hey Anonymous! I'm NOT a Slacker!

For those of you who have been wondering (mom, dad, anonymous, cousin It), nothing has actually happened to aportablesnack. I’ve been off in the Provinces for business, spending much of July in the other Washington, specifically Spokane and Seattle, where it was even hotter than DC, jsut as Al Gore said.

I’ve also been busy writing other things, churning out intriguing new drink recipes that involve grain alcohol, letters denying parking tickets, and manifestos railing against DC’s street cleaning conspiracy. Such epicurean and epistolary activities, which in themselves consume a good amount of time for those of us who pride themselves on workmanship, lead almost inevitably to other time-burgling activities, such as temporary blindness, traffic court, and the designing of a contraption utilizing a system of pulleys and levers to de-boot ones booted car. (I never got past the design stage, although I did see a discarded boot with tell-tale pry marks next to the curb outside of Pollys.)

I’ve missed out on lots of hot topics over the past month or so: LNS, hot weather, public school Czars, pre-presidential cleavage, the usual blogger stuff. I’ve got nothing to add, which leads me to believe that perhaps I never did. And after so long a blogging lay-off, I wonder how I ever came up with even one idea for a posting. And now I know: I never did.