Mayoral Trademarks: Crack Pipes to Hats to Motif Coffee Mugs

Among my many titles, I answer to the moniker Alderman of Coladams Circle. I also answer to Ombudsman of all the Internets, Commodore Way-Cool, and Mary Queen of Scots. (I’ve also always wanted to be referred to as “Pontifex Maximus”, simply because of how it rolls off the tongue, and, of course, because of my unnatural love of bridges; there are, however, certain untenable drawbacks to holding that title, so I’ve always declined its bestowal.)

But as Alderman of Coladams Circle, which is much like being a Mayor, I feel I need some sort of recognizable trademark.


Mayor Williams had his bow tie.


Mayor Barry had his crack pipe.


And now Mayor Fenty has that… that… that HAT. (His haberdashery knows no bounds.)

Having been lauded on one of the internets (as Ombudsman, I keep current) for my “dipshit galoshes”, I thought about using those as my trademark. But that would mean that I would have to wear them to every public appearance, every function, every ribbon cutting, charity event, press conference, and speaking engagement that takes place in Coladams Circle. You know, like Fenty does with that…that…that HAT.

I just got a new rain coat and I considered using that as my trademark, since you never know when it’s going to rain. But associations with flashers, spies, and confused old men (I have enough trouble with that one already) convinced me otherwise. I also have that Norwegian sweater I’m constantly spotted wearing in that picture over there. However, I’m afraid that the sweater would become so besotted with body odor and perspiration (and the attendant swarm of flies and colonies of mold) during DC’s long, hot summers as to tarnish my reputation as a dandy and preclude me from any but the most scandalous of public appearances.

So I’ve decided on a pair of rumpled kakis and a half full Christmas motif coffee mug. To be truthful, I didn’t really decide on this; it’s more of a default position. I’m so often seen with these accoutrements that it was a natural fit. I think these would be as logical a trademark for a man of my lofty station as Fenty’s use of that…that…that HAT.