Federal Court Orders Reopening of Bladensburg Dueling Grounds

Coming on the heels of last week’s decision overturning DC’s gun control law, the same federal court voted 2 – 1 to reopen the Bladensburg Dueling Grounds, an area Northeast of the city where politicians and affronted citizenry defended their honor during the early days of the republic.

In its order, the court cited a number of reasons for the reopening of the dueling grounds. “Given the new political tension both in Congress and between the White House and Capitol Hill, coupled with the fact that many congressmen and senators, especially from places like Texas and Alabama, are now expected to carry fire arms in the city, this court finds it advantageous to give these men an equitable way of resolving differences.”

The court is also expected to legalize the open carrying of guns on the streets of DC, and recommending the implementation of a system of “show-downs.” “Sections of Good Hope Road SE or even 16th Street NW could be cordoned off at high noon each day to facilitate the settling of scores in a more civilized and controlled manner,” the court said in a draft report obtained by aportablesnack. “The city could charge admission to spectators and the DCFD could hose down the blood and gore from the street afterward.”

Many DC citizens feel legalizing “show-downs” is long overdue. For instance, one of the plaintiffs in the case that led the Federal court to overturn DC’s gun control law is quoted as saying “yeeeeee-HAW! Now I can kill that guy next door who never takes his trash can in!” DC police also support show-downs. “Hopefully, the criminal element will kill themselves off more efficiently than they do now,” a police official said.

For now, though, DC citizens and police will have to be satisfied with legally taking their revenge killings to Bladensburg. “We’ll be exporting homicides to Prince George’s County,” the police official said, “which, no matter how you look at it, is a good thing.”