The city has moved one step closer to economic stability.
Thanks to a broad Federal economic revitalization plan announced last week, DC criminals will soon be able to purchase handguns that were stolen from houses right here in the city. “Too long have burglary rings and fences in Virginia and Maryland been siphoning money from DC’s economy,” a Federal official, who wished not to be identified, said. “With this plan, DC can keep that money right here.” Instead of having to import stolen handguns from Maryland or Virginia, DC criminals will enjoy a bounty of stolen guns harvested right here in the city.
The economic boon will benefit various loosely organized racketeering, money laundering, and theft rings headquartered in DC. There will be plenty of handguns in peoples houses available for them to steal. In a statement released recently, The Department of Commerce states that “these guns will then be sold on the street to drug king-pins and enforcers, teenage gang-banger wannabes, drug addicts looking to knock over liquor stores and members of the creative class, and to the mumbling insane.”
While guns of all kinds are easily available to all these underworld elements, the new handgun plan will make it slightly more convenient to obtain them while pumping perhaps millions of dollars into the “informal” economy.
“After a time, perhaps as short as a few months,” the Commerce statement goes on to say, “we foresee DC becoming a major exporter of stolen handguns as well, further boosting the economy.”
Residual economic benefits include a rise in the demand for security systems, security bars, replacement window glass, gigantic snarling guard dogs, and more legally-purchased handguns, as residents try to combat the expected spike in burglaries, armed robberies, drug killings, and reprisal slayings.
“This will do for the DC economy what Starbucks did for Seattle,” a Federal source is quoted as saying.